I've had a rough couple of months. There has been a lot of discouragement and a lot of Sad mixed in with the Happy. I think those of us who are engaged to be married assume there is an expectation from those around us, that we are to be wildly excited about the whole affair all the time and eager to talk about it. And we try our hardest to live up to those assumed expectations without really finding out whether they are real or not.
I have discovered, especially in the recent months, that there are things we encounter on our journey to marriage (not "through", that hasn't happened yet) we didn't necessarily expect or prepare for when they came. I have had sisters marry before me, and so I was not altogether unfamiliar with these encounters; I've always just assumed they were exaggerated or made-up. Well, joke's on me, they're not, and my older sisters can have a good laugh at my expense because they were right.
Here are five things that I've learned on my own little journey to matrimony that I hope I don't forget:
1. It can be lonely.
My sisters would talk about this loneliness when they were engaged. I always felt a little bit hurt when they did because my immediate thought was, "But I'm sitting right here!"
Well, here's news for you, self: you sitting there doesn't make it less lonely for them. And I'm learning this for myself: no matter how many offers to help I get, no matter how many girl-dates I squeeze in, and no matter how much time I spend with my fiancé, I still feel intensely lonely quite a bit of the time. I'm busy, I've got half a dozen things to do, and most of them I either have to or want to do myself. Because of this I feel wretchedly isolated quite a bit of the time. Suddenly my weekends are full of some wedding detail or another, or showers, or a desperate trip to get away from all of the hubbub. My life is suddenly not my own... but not quite. I'm feeling quite a bit of the isolation of a busy schedule and having to prioritize the wedding over doing what I want, but without the same level of companionship that marriage would have. It's like I'm stuck in a weird limbo, where I now cannot spend much time with friends, but I also cannot spend much time with my fiancé. The result? Loneliness.
2. Sleep becomes expendable.
No, this is not health advice. I would never recommend anyone to take this as advice. It is a reality for me. I don't sleep well. I just don't. Because I have to stay up late and work on random, sometimes petty, details. Because I have horrific nightmares about the wedding going wrong. Because when I am stressed I don't sleep. And sometimes you have to get up really really early to make sure things get done in a timely manner.
We all process stress differently, and this simply is the way I process it.
3. You don't need to try so hard.
I've been tied up in knots for a few weeks now, trying to figure out a very specific detail about a very specific part about some very specific decorations. I was looking at forking over quite a chunk of money to get what I needed. And then I had coffee with a friend, and I was chattering away about the decorations and what I wanted to do. She had exactly what I was looking for.
I had thought long and hard, trolled Pinterest, lost (only a little) sleep over figuring this out; I was anticipating a lot of work on my part to pull it off. And then within the space of five minutes of conversation, I had just what I was looking for. Our best efforts only serve us so much; most of the time it is better (and healthier!) to trust God. Where it takes you days to figure out, He takes five minutes.
4. You won't always agree with your fiancé.
We've had a lot of arguments/discussions since we've started this process. We've both had our eyes opened to the differences in how we were raised, our ideals, our tastes, etc. And I know that when we are married these differences will be all the more stark.
Unity, though, does not mean same-ness. We do not have to agree on everything, but we must learn how to talk about those (small) differences respectfully and learn to appreciate them in the other person. I have grown in so many ways through knowing Jonah, and a big part of that is because of how different he is from me.
There will always be arguments and differences, but by God's grace we are learning to repent, seek each other's forgiveness, and learn to love each other in the midst of the differences. For myself, I am also learning to put to death my own stubborn pride and give up those things that aren't important. If his decorating style is different from mine, I can learn to compromise; it does not have to be my way all of the time. And many times he hasn't been all that enthusiastic about what I've chosen, but because he loves me he allows me to make the decision.
T
o love, appreciate, repent, grant forgiveness, and die to myself - these are things I am learning to do even now, and I know will continue to learn in marriage.
5. It's Scary, and That's Normal.
My life is about to completely change. While I'm really excited about it, there is a big part of me that is absolutely terrified. Terrified of my own inadequacy, terrified of the Unknown that lies ahead, terrified because I'm still learning to trust God with my life.
This kind of transition should scare me, but the fear cannot cripple me. Instead, it should drive me to a deeper reliance upon God. As I am learning to trust Him, I am learning to trust Jonah as well. But it is learned; I can't just automatically, artificially produce trust. It takes repeated, faithful returning to the Source of all comfort and security: Jesus. Some people, I know, get to this place of trust a lot quicker than others. I'm a slow learner, and I don't easily trust. For me it has been a years' long process; since Jonah and I first began our relationship. The stakes are higher now, and the learning curve is steeper. It is still a struggle, but God is faithful even with a slow learner like myself. He has graciously answered my fears over the past few months. There are still many things that make me anxious, but I trust that in His time He will answer these as well.
I have discovered, especially in the recent months, that there are things we encounter on our journey to marriage (not "through", that hasn't happened yet) we didn't necessarily expect or prepare for when they came. I have had sisters marry before me, and so I was not altogether unfamiliar with these encounters; I've always just assumed they were exaggerated or made-up. Well, joke's on me, they're not, and my older sisters can have a good laugh at my expense because they were right.
Here are five things that I've learned on my own little journey to matrimony that I hope I don't forget:
1. It can be lonely.
My sisters would talk about this loneliness when they were engaged. I always felt a little bit hurt when they did because my immediate thought was, "But I'm sitting right here!"
Well, here's news for you, self: you sitting there doesn't make it less lonely for them. And I'm learning this for myself: no matter how many offers to help I get, no matter how many girl-dates I squeeze in, and no matter how much time I spend with my fiancé, I still feel intensely lonely quite a bit of the time. I'm busy, I've got half a dozen things to do, and most of them I either have to or want to do myself. Because of this I feel wretchedly isolated quite a bit of the time. Suddenly my weekends are full of some wedding detail or another, or showers, or a desperate trip to get away from all of the hubbub. My life is suddenly not my own... but not quite. I'm feeling quite a bit of the isolation of a busy schedule and having to prioritize the wedding over doing what I want, but without the same level of companionship that marriage would have. It's like I'm stuck in a weird limbo, where I now cannot spend much time with friends, but I also cannot spend much time with my fiancé. The result? Loneliness.
2. Sleep becomes expendable.
No, this is not health advice. I would never recommend anyone to take this as advice. It is a reality for me. I don't sleep well. I just don't. Because I have to stay up late and work on random, sometimes petty, details. Because I have horrific nightmares about the wedding going wrong. Because when I am stressed I don't sleep. And sometimes you have to get up really really early to make sure things get done in a timely manner.
We all process stress differently, and this simply is the way I process it.
3. You don't need to try so hard.
I've been tied up in knots for a few weeks now, trying to figure out a very specific detail about a very specific part about some very specific decorations. I was looking at forking over quite a chunk of money to get what I needed. And then I had coffee with a friend, and I was chattering away about the decorations and what I wanted to do. She had exactly what I was looking for.
I had thought long and hard, trolled Pinterest, lost (only a little) sleep over figuring this out; I was anticipating a lot of work on my part to pull it off. And then within the space of five minutes of conversation, I had just what I was looking for. Our best efforts only serve us so much; most of the time it is better (and healthier!) to trust God. Where it takes you days to figure out, He takes five minutes.
4. You won't always agree with your fiancé.
We've had a lot of arguments/discussions since we've started this process. We've both had our eyes opened to the differences in how we were raised, our ideals, our tastes, etc. And I know that when we are married these differences will be all the more stark.
Unity, though, does not mean same-ness. We do not have to agree on everything, but we must learn how to talk about those (small) differences respectfully and learn to appreciate them in the other person. I have grown in so many ways through knowing Jonah, and a big part of that is because of how different he is from me.
There will always be arguments and differences, but by God's grace we are learning to repent, seek each other's forgiveness, and learn to love each other in the midst of the differences. For myself, I am also learning to put to death my own stubborn pride and give up those things that aren't important. If his decorating style is different from mine, I can learn to compromise; it does not have to be my way all of the time. And many times he hasn't been all that enthusiastic about what I've chosen, but because he loves me he allows me to make the decision.
T
o love, appreciate, repent, grant forgiveness, and die to myself - these are things I am learning to do even now, and I know will continue to learn in marriage.
5. It's Scary, and That's Normal.
My life is about to completely change. While I'm really excited about it, there is a big part of me that is absolutely terrified. Terrified of my own inadequacy, terrified of the Unknown that lies ahead, terrified because I'm still learning to trust God with my life.
This kind of transition should scare me, but the fear cannot cripple me. Instead, it should drive me to a deeper reliance upon God. As I am learning to trust Him, I am learning to trust Jonah as well. But it is learned; I can't just automatically, artificially produce trust. It takes repeated, faithful returning to the Source of all comfort and security: Jesus. Some people, I know, get to this place of trust a lot quicker than others. I'm a slow learner, and I don't easily trust. For me it has been a years' long process; since Jonah and I first began our relationship. The stakes are higher now, and the learning curve is steeper. It is still a struggle, but God is faithful even with a slow learner like myself. He has graciously answered my fears over the past few months. There are still many things that make me anxious, but I trust that in His time He will answer these as well.
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