The past three weeks have been a whirlwind of busy-ness, success, failure, crushing realizations of my own weakness, and renewed delight in the grace of God.
In the past month, I've come to realize more clearly how God views our weakness. It is not something to be despised, covered over, or ignored. It is not something to wallow in, either. Instead, Paul says, in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Earlier this month I got engaged. After three years of our growing closer together, the most humble, caring, servant-hearted man I have yet to know (apart from my dad) asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. I still wonder, "Why me?" because I am not the easiest person to live with. I have so many sins and weaknesses. And yet he daily embraces all of them and is quick to answer them by speaking the Gospel into my life.
This faithfulness still takes my breath away, and probably will for the rest of my life.
This same man has been, and still is, a massive support in both my counseling studies and my desire to run. He has been a weekly encouragement in my studies, reads my essays for any accidental theological discrepancies, and talks me through the really difficult questions (there are quite a few!).
He has also been a massive encouragement to me as we prepare for the half-marathon coming up (yes, he's running it with me).
Two weeks ago, we ran a 10k together. That was the first time I'd run that far. The entire week before the run, I doubted my ability to run the distance. Not because of the distance itself or lack of training, but because the week began with me feeling less than okay. I hadn't slept well, eaten well, and was physically drained because of long hours at my job.
I didn't think I could make it.
I did the race anyways. Not because I felt particularly sure of my own ability - I really didn't know that morning if I was going to be able to make the distance. I did it because I knew that God would give me grace to do what I needed to do. If He wanted me to run that distance, I would find the strength and grace to finish. If not, He would give me the grace to respond to the disappointment. I trusted Him, because I knew He would give grace regardless of the outcome.
And I ran the whole distance and finished with a personal best in time. It was painful, and there were times when I really wanted to quit, but God's grace was present for those times as well. He gave me the strength to run the really steep hills as well as the winding, gradual (extremely painful!) ones. I found joy in the running, not because I felt wonderful or confident, but because of His presence.
In the past month, I've come to realize more clearly how God views our weakness. It is not something to be despised, covered over, or ignored. It is not something to wallow in, either. Instead, Paul says, in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Our weakness is something we are to be content in, not because it is something to be admired in an of itself, but because through it we see the power of Christ more clearly.
I know that I didn't run that 10k in my own power. I know that I don't answer these exam questions in my own power. And if I am successful in running the half-marathon, it will not be in my own power. Every day my training shows that that is not the case; my body is broken, weak, and doesn't do what I want it to do. I have to deal with muscle pain, joint pain, labored breathing, etc. Every day my studies show me my own deficiencies, as I struggle to understand and articulate an idea or fight with writer's block.
I can't do anything in my own power. I can't even breathe on my own.
But still I am told by Paul that I should boast in these weaknesses. Do I boast in the weakness itself? No, I boast in the power of Christ manifested in and through the weakness.
I know I will fail at this whole marriage thing. How do I know this? Because I fail daily at the whole engagement thing. Because daily I fail in all of my relationships, not just in this one. Because daily I do what I want instead of what God commands. Because daily I am selfish and prideful.
And yet God daily redeems my failures. Daily He gives me the strength and the ability to put those selfish desires to death. Daily the power of Christ is manifested in my weakness in that He redeems me in my weakness, so that I may daily grow to be more like Him. God's grace is made apparent, not in spite of my weaknesses and failures but because of them. And that is why I can rejoice.
