"The Idiot" and a Study in Humanity: Book Review #6

I did something a little different with this book. Instead of reading it and reviewing it by myself, I read it with one of my very good friends, "H". With this review, I hope to integrate her observations with my own. 

“We must never forget that human motives are generally far more complicated than we are apt to suppose, and that we can very rarely accurately describe the motives of another.”

To date The Idiot is the third book I have read by Fyodor Dostoevsky. His writing style, imbibed with a devastatingly realistic portrayal of human depravity, is one I greatly appreciate. He delves into the complications of human relationships and familial dysfunction,  refusing to idealize any one character. In a society that labels or ignores these issues, it is refreshing to read an author who shows sin clearly without trying to explain it away or pretend it does not exist.
In The Idiot, Dostoevsky is no different. He uses his main character a foil for contrast:

(H): "Myshkin serves as an 'outsider', to the society and current events. Combined with his thoughtfulness and perception, this makes him an ideal main character to flush out the issues Dostoevsky wished to address."

As you read the book you are impressed with just how little the rest of society understands Myishkin. The way Dostoevsky sets up the book, you are overwhelmed with the foolish, catty, and downright harmful interactions the characters have with him. There is a stark contrast between Myishkin's innocent belief in the goodness of those around him and the foolishness and, at times, hostility they attribute to him.

(H): "Myishkin is surrounded by self-destructive people, and though he tries to help them, he cannot save them." 

There is Nastasya, Roghozin, Ippolit, and finally Aglaia. All of these Myishkin seeks to save, and in so doing he loses himself. Here we see the utter helplessness of humanity to change itself and others. Myishkin seeks to be a savior of sorts to these very depraved, selfish people but because of his human weakness he cannot. He who desires to see what is best in others cannot rightly confront them about their sins and failures; and Myishkin puts himself in such a position that he cannot confront. There are moments in the book where he clearly sees their depravity for what it is but immediately dismisses it, attributing it to his own weakness and failure to see the good in them. His disposition is ultimately his downfall. 

Suffering is an underlying theme to the whole book, drawing the story to its final conclusion. Myishkin is confronted with images of suffering throughout the story, first with Nastasya's picture, then Roghozin's emotional tormenting of himself, and in the bleak physical suffering of the proud Ippolit. A pivotal point in the story comes when he is confronted with the suffering of Christ portrayed in a painting. This image deeply moves Myishkin, and (I believe) inspires him in latter chapters to fruitlessly pursue saving those who are caught in their own suffering, trying to become their savior. 

The conclusion of the story leaves the reader in some torment. Unlike Crime and Punishment  or The Brothers Karamazov, the hope is harder to find. But,

(H): "Although many characters do not have a happy end, a few of them are given a hopeful end that would not have occurred had not terrible events transpired."

The Idiot is a hard read. It is hard to be so harshly confronted by our human depravity. It is hard to watch an "innocent" pummeled by the evils and selfishness of human relationships. It is difficult because we see ourselves so easily in the skepticism, criticism, and social censure leveled upon Myishkin. We see ourselves in his unwillingness to see sin, in himself and in others. We see ourselves in their weakness.
Yet there is still hope. Where Dostoevsky shows the hopelessness of a life given over to sin (Nastasya and Roghozin), he also shows the hope of future redemption. 

The wages of sin is death - this Fyodor Dostoevsky shows very clearly in The Idiot. The image of Christ shown in the story is that of the crucified Christ, not yet raised and glorified. But Christ's crucifixion was not the end. As He died for the sins of many, so was He raised so that in Him many would receive life. As you read The Idiot and are confronted with your own human selfishness and depravity, remember the Christ who was crucified and is now raised on your behalf. 

Falling In Love with History Again: 2017 Author Review

I want to share an author with you today who has grown, over the past two years, into one of my favorite authors of American history of all time.

David McCullough

To date I have read three of his books:

1776

The Johnstown Flood

A Path Between the Seas

He has a remarkable ability to tell stories, drawing his reader along through the arc of whatever historical event he writes about, bringing them right to the edge of their seats as they watch the tapestry of history unfold before their eyes.

He writes history, and so you would think that you know the ending to every story he tells. Yet, as you make your way through the pages of 1776, you wonder how the Continental Army could have won at all? You watch men starve, officers blunder, and the army suffer defeat and discouragement. Until finally, the end. And you are left breathless, realizing just how easily the end could have been defeat. But it wasn't.

The Johnstown Flood sets you up for remarkable disaster, as you read event after event that sealed the fate of that town in Pennsylvania. McCullough takes you through each minute of that terrible day; you feel the terror and the pain of those caught in the flood. You see the hope that rises when someone survives against all odds. You see a nation come together to help rebuild after the disaster. You see laws and safety regulations change because of such a disaster. You are left with hope even after staggering death tolls.

A Path Between the Seas really should have been titled "McCullough's Study of Tropical Diseases in 19th-Century South America".  A large percentage of the book is spent showing just how unprepared the US was in dealing with the tropical diseases and death that came with digging the Panama Canal. An alternative title could have been "French Intrigue and the Canal" because he spends the other percentage of the book uncovering all of the back-room deals President Roosevelt and his cabinet made with the French in order to buy and then dig the canal. Yet McCullough knows how to make even tropical diseases interesting. You find yourself caught up in the political intrigue of the book, and leave with a healthy appreciation for the engineering skill behind such a magnificent feat. You will also be not a little in awe of the energy and cleverness of Theodore Roosevelt in undertaking such a complicated, expensive work. 

You may feel daunted at the challenge of reading 500+ pages, but don't let the number discourage you; you will find it goes by very quickly as the story draws you in. 

David McCullough has definitely helped to shape my obsession (yes, I'll call it an obsession) with history. His clever wit and skill with a pen has made American history winsome. But don't take my word for it: go read him for yourself. I promise you, he won't disappoint. 

Contemplating Life: Book Review 5

"It is no great thing to live long, nor even to live forever; but it is indeed a great thing to live well Oh, let us love eternal life!" 

On Prayer and the Contemplative Life by St. Thomas Aquinas

As I've said in the last blog post, part of my goal in reading and reviewing the books I have is to stretch my mind. My intent is to grow in areas that I would not readily grow in, whether that means reading massive volumes of history, study naturopathic methods, or immerse myself in philosophy.
Thomas Aquinas accomplishes the latter.

"There are two kinds of lives in which Almighty God instructs us by His Sacred Word - namely, the active and the contemplative."

 I found his work both intellectually stimulating as well as spiritually challenging. As a Reformed Christian, I have spent the bulk of my teenage and adult life studying Reformed theology. And I have found that throughout the years there are certain points of Christian practice that become rote. Thomas Aquinas breathes warmth and fervor into the practice of prayer. My understanding was renewed with his (and Augustine's, who is quoted frequently throughout the book) fervor.

"In the one we toil that so the heart my be purified for the Vision of God, in the other we repose and we see God; the one is spent in the practice of the precepts of this temporal life, the other is occupied with the teachings of the life that is eternal." 

I highly recommend this book to any Christian wanting to deepen and challenge their understanding of prayer and of living the Christian life. Thomas Aquinas also makes some very well-thought-out arguments for Roman Catholic practices (praying to saints, the monastic orders, etc.) that I have often arbitrarily brushed off as wrong without really understanding them. While I still do not agree with these practices, it is good to be challenged by them. I came away with a deeper understanding of my own faith, as well as a renewed zeal and love for prayer and a life devoted to God.

Where Magic and Monsters Meet: Writing Realistic Fantasy

The words "realistic" and "fantasy" really don't seem to fit in the same sentence. Often as writers we are tempted to think that whatever goes when it comes to fantasy, because it isn't dealing with the real world... right?

But we are writers, and we want what we say to deal with the real world to a certain extent. Maybe we paint a vivid world where gravity is reversed, but the characters living in that world still have to deal with poverty or threats against their way of life. Those are realistic problems, problems we deal with in our world here and now. Thus fantasy, while dressed in fantastical and mythical clothes, speaks to some very real and very serious issues in our world.

Here are a few ways you can make your fantasy more realistic:

1. Create believable/relatable characters.

We all encounter those protagonists who are too perfectly the victim. Or the ones who are the perfect moral standard for the rest of the characters. Or the card-board cutouts who reflect the story back to the reader without actually engaging with their circumstances in a believable way.
How about that bad guy who is just too cliche for words? Who laughs maniacally and destroys things without you ever actually understanding why? The one who is just there to propel the storyline so that those two perfect protagonists are thrown together in a way that will inevitably end with the antagonist's demise and their blossoming love for one another?

I am sure we have all encountered these types of characters. Yes, fantasy is a way for us to create our own worlds the way we want them. But wouldn't it be so much more powerful if, in this world, the characters had to struggle with messy relationships? With knowing when to do the right thing? With failure and discouragement?
Fantasy is just like any other genre in that it is the vehicle authors use to communicate truths to their readers. How powerfully and relevant it is communicated is up to the author. The first step to effective communication is creating characters that are relatable and real, even in a world with dragons and elves.


2. Build an enticing storyline.

Some storylines just don't work. Either there isn't enough detail or there is too much. Either little to no description is given of the world and its history, or the writer spends whole chapters going into all the minutest details. Finding balance is key when you want to draw people into your story. Don't over-explain but don't leave gaping holes in your plot. Things can't just randomly burn down; evil people can't be chasing your main character for no reason. (Trust me, I've read stories where this has happened.)
Make sure you take the time to set up each situation so that when the time comes for the twist in the plot, the reader is not left scratching their heads wondering how the villain made it to the cliff so quickly.


3. Don't be afraid to write yourself into the story (but not with every character).

We all have that character who is really just ourselves inserted into our own storyline. If we're really good (and I really don't think I am yet), we'll keep our presence subtle and use those characters to reveal more of our own struggles. We'll be able to share those lessons we've learned throughout our lives, even in a fantastical setting.
This being said, we should not make every character encountered simply a different facet of our own personality. I struggle with this myself in my work. The voice never really changes from character to character, and I think it should. I think we should all be observing other people, learning how they think and act and speak, and incorporating what we have learned from them and from their actions into the characters we create. This means spending a lot of time and energy studying and learning from others, but it pays off in the end.


4. Write what you know... but not really. 

We are told this constantly as writers: "write what you know." But in fantasy this really can't apply to everything. After all, who of us has ever encountered a dragon? Or battled against goblins? Or crossed mountain ranges on an epic quest to save the universe?
Maybe you have crossed mountain ranges (my hat is off to you, then, that is really amazing), but saving the universe is a little out of your league. Fantasy means "fantastical"; it is something other than our own world. You have to write about things you can never experience in real life.

We all have dealt with disappointment, though. We have all been challenged in some way. We have all been alone, discouraged, beaten down. Some of us, targeted for what we believe or how we dress or how we talk. We all know what it is like to fight Evil in our lives, our hearts, and our world. These very real struggles can be "what we know" when we write fantasy. Sure, you've never had to overthrow an evil overlord. But you've had to overthrow evil desires in your heart. You've had to conquer that extremely difficult situation at work. You've had to be the diplomat to your friends and/or family. All of these experiences can be applied to a fantastical universe.
Instead of a difficult coworker, you have a grouchy wizard who, instead of preying on your self-esteem (like your coworker does), keeps turning you into and out of a toad whenever he feels like it.
Instead of acting as diplomat with your family, suddenly you have two kings who can't get along and need help before they destroy each  other in a war. (And don't some of those inter-friend or inter-family disagreements feel like an all-out war sometimes? But I digress.)
My point is: Your story is your world. You can communicate the trials and triumphs you have experienced. You can write what you know disguised in fantastical language.


These are a few things I have found to be very helpful in creating my own fantasy world. Of course, I am learning and growing on this writing journey, just like everyone else. What are some helpful tips that you have found when writing your own fantasy works? Please share, I would love to read them!

25 For 25

Because I have lived on this earth a quarter of a century (which is quite a short amount of time), I thought I'd celebrate the occasion with a list of 25 books that have impacted my life so far:

1. The Bible. I don't think I need to explain this one.

2. The Hobbit. This one holds a special place in my heart. My father read this one to us when we were children, and I simply never stopped reading it.

3. The Chronicles of Narnia. Another series (yes, I know, technically this doesn't count as one book but seven. But it's my birthday so I get a pass, right?) my father read to us growing up.

4. The Wind in the Willows. Because seriously, who doesn't love Badger (and Mole and Toad and Rat)?

5. Manalive. G.K. Chesterton is a genius, and by far one of my favorite philosophical writers.

6. The Space Trilogy.  Because C.S. Lewis is a boss (and this is a series, yes I know, I've cheated twice now).

7. Till We Have Faces. (See above note about Lewis' bossness)

8. The Screwtape Letters. (Ibid)

9. The Man Who was Thursday. Because, Chesterton.

10. Crime and Punishment. This was the first piece of Russian literature I read. It has since led to an obsession which may or may not be completely healthy.

11. The Blue Castle. I enjoyed LM Montgomery's other books, but I didn't really love her as an author until I read this book.

12. A Tale of Two Cities. The first Charles Dickens novel I read, and I am very glad I started with this one.

13. Little Dorrit. In my opinion, this book was the pinnacle of Dickens' work. But I haven't technically read Nicholas Nickelby yet (I've watched the adaptation about a million times, but I'm pretty sure that doesn't count). I could prove myself wrong.

14. The Sovereignty of God. I read this book by AW Pink the year after I moved out of my parents' house and started life on my own. It is one I would recommend for everyone struggling with that in-between period.

15. Prodigal God. I tend to be very pessimistic. This book reminded me of the lavish love and goodness of God towards His children during a time when I really did not feel it.

16. Passion and Purity. Elisabeth Elliot is a boss and everyone needs to read this one.

17. Killer Angels. Michael Shaara taught me what it really means to write historical fiction well. He inserted no fictional characters or situations, merely dialogue. And that dialogue was drawn from letters, newspaper articles, and journals from the historical figures themselves. I hope I can write something half as well as he has someday.

18. The Brothers Karamazov. I love the moral dilemmas, the dialogue, the character development, and the stark portrayal of human depravity found in this work. I love Dostoevsky, I just love him.

19. War and Peace. Because massive Russian dramas involving Napoleon Bonaparte are always amazing.

20. My Ántonia. I didn't know I could love American literature so much until I read Willa Cather. She is a beautiful writer.

21. A Grief Observed. C.S. Lewis understood my grief at a time when I thought no one could.

22. A Severe Mercy. Because we all need our hearts cut and our idols revealed so that we repent and so better love and worship our God. Sheldon Vanauken's work exemplifies it so beautifully for us.

23. Anna Karenina. A story about sinful people doing sinful things, with a striking contrast between  repentance/forgiveness versus indulgence/despair. Leo Tolstoy is a genius.

24. The Johnstown Flood. This short, 200+ page book established David McCullough as my favorite historical author (so far).

25. The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert. An honest, moving testimony of the power of Christ and the work of the Holy Spirit to change lives.

This is not a complete list, by any means, and as I wrote this list I kept thinking of more and more books to add to it. Ah well, that is what the next years are for, adding more books to the list. I hope you enjoyed reading this list, and I hope it inspires you to go read some of them for yourself. It won't be a waste of time, I promise.

That One About Lifestyle Changes: Book Review #4

I am really challenging myself this year to read things I would not normally be interested in. My goal is not to read books that I always agree with, but rather ones that challenge me to understand my beliefs and my lifestyle better, and to glean from them what wisdom I can.

A Mind of Your Own
Author: Kelly Brogan, MD

This was quite an interesting read and one, I must admit, that was quite a stretch for me. I have limited medical knowledge, and this book is full of medical research and naturopathic methods. My own mind was having to perform acrobatics to keep up!
This book was very helpful for me in understanding vitamin and dietary deficiencies as linked to depression and emotional health. The author is very secular, and her belief system tends to lean more towards Eastern mysticism than anything else, but she has some very helpful medical advice for women struggling with depression and metabolic issues. She is not afraid to question the money-making, big-Pharma schemes that promote medications over lifestyle changes. Instead she digs deep into medical research to show the long-lasting benefits of a holistic lifestyle change versus the short-term benefits of antidepressant and antipsychotic drug therapy.
While I would not espouse her belief system, I would challenge you to read this book and consider how you view your own health and personal care. Are you mindful about the things you eat? What you expose your body to? How much do you sleep or exercise?
Being mindful of these things isn't wrong, particularly since we are commanded in Scripture to care for the body as well as the spirit. I would not say, though, that the application of such practices allow you to completely reverse the effects of the Fall, as she claims in the beginning of her book; death and the slow decay of the body are inevitable. And I would not endorse the pendulum-swing of obsessing over your food or your physical well-being. Being mindful, though, of these things and taking care of yourself so that you can better serve those around you - these are all things that we are called to do in order to be good stewards of what God has given us.
Read this book if you would like to be challenged in how you think of taking care of yourself. Read this book if you want to expand your knowledge of the physical relationship between your body and your mind. I found it to be quite an informative and challenging read, particularly as someone who has worked with medications for five years of my adult life. I would encourage any woman struggling with metabolic/emotional/hormonal issues to read it as well, for it is a very good resource for understanding and conquering the physical struggles that come with those issues.

A Villainous Post

I am in the throes of writing a rather complicated fantasy/fiction. I formed the basic theme of the story from some images and ideas collected primarily from Pinterest. A bit of a cheap beginning, I know, but the idea has grown and flourished far beyond anything Pinterest could drum up. It began as a very cut&dried Good vs. Evil story; one with quite a predictable climax and resolution.
I'm afraid the story is no longer as simple as it used to be. No longer are the characters black&white, 2-dimensional cardboard cutouts drawn from a simplistic ideal. Suddenly there are these gray areas; suddenly they're doing things because they're selfish or wounded; suddenly the bad characters are people I feel pity towards, along with anger.

I used to wonder what made a complex character complex. I wonder less now, though I'm sure I do not write such complexity as skillfully as I could (still working on that). A complex character is one with layers and nuances. Instead of an angry, obvious bad guy there is a quiet, internally-conflicted creep. Instead of someone who purposelessly destroys people/things, there is one who has very deeply-rooted convictions about the destruction they cause.

There is a usefulness to those villains who maim and hurt and practice evil simply for the fun of it. I find that their primary use is to draw out the nuances of the morally-conflicted antagonist. I also find that, while these characters like to destroy things simply for kicks and giggles, they often have a complex side to them. Maybe they're hardened criminals who no longer process what they do emotionally, but they weren't always like that. And perhaps they have a dissociation in their minds, feeling nothing when they kill/destroy but feeling everything when they read poetry or play music.

What I'm trying to say is: there is always a reason for bad people doing bad things. They always have (wrong) motives and presuppositions, and often a past, for whatever they do. These complexities don't excuse their actions, but they do serve to add depth to the story.

Let me introduce you to a few of the minor villains I've begun to form in my own story:

Álmos: Cold, calculating, outwardly emotionless. Álmos is a man on a mission, and he uses his mission as an excuse to harm and take from others. He will do anything to protect and serve his master, including murder and torture. This deep devotion to duty and service makes him particularly dangerous, as he will excuse any wrong9 action as one done for the good of his master. He is also particularly stubborn and dogged about pursuing his evil path, for he will not disappoint his master. In his mind, a few dead bodies and destroyed property is an easy sacrifice for his mission to his master. 


Ash: Careless, cowardly. Ash burns things (and people) simply to burn them. It is not that he hates humanity; he simply does not care if a man lives or dies and sees no value in life. ...Except to burn things. When he was very young, his house caught on fire and burned to the ground, taking his abusive drunk of a father with it. Ash managed to escape. He now sees fire as his way of escape; it is his safety net. And so he uses it to get what he wants out of life now, and he has no compassion for those people who are caught and burned in the process. 


Reaper: Manifests no outward emotion, seems like your typical "grunt." The Reaper used to feel things very deeply, but he has learned to hide what he feels and dulled his senses so that his emotions are now only a fleeting thought in the back of his mind. When he was a young man his family was brutally murdered, and he became a murderer in order to avenge their deaths. His life was robbed of joy, he became completely obsessed with revenge. After destroying those who destroyed his family, he wandered around aimlessly. He himself became a murderer because he found meaning solely in the destruction of other human beings.



These are my secondary antagonists. They help move the plot along, but they are the puppets not the masters in the story. I am sharing these profiles so that you might get a taste for some of the characters I've created thus far. I'm also sharing this because I believe the antagonists in a story should be just as well-thought-out as the protagonists.  The reader needs to see just how complex, sneaky and ugly Evil really is in order for them to understand the complexity, beauty, and goodness of Good.

You want to write a relatable story? Don't soft-pedal or trivialize your antagonists in your mad dash to develop your protagonists. Be thoughtful in creating them. Make your antagonists real people with relatable back stories and pitiable problems. Make them complex. Make them human. And don't be afraid, in the end, to make them bad.

Book Review #3: The One About Forgiveness

Unpacking Forgiveness: Biblical Answers for Complex Questions and Deep Wounds 

By Chris Brauns

I would say this book is arguably one of the best for any Christian at any point in his/her life. My mom originally gave me this book two years ago after reading it and holding on to it for quite some time herself. Chris Brauns' work is one that can be read, understood, and applied at any point in the Christian walk, whether you are forty-five or twenty-five or even ten.

Forgiveness is a hot-button topic for many people, Christian and non-Christian alike. What does it mean to forgive? What does true forgiveness look like? Is it really only about changing how you feel, or is there a greater purpose behind true forgiveness? Has our understanding of forgiveness been faulty?

All of these questions, and quite a few more, Chris Brauns answers in his work. A little over two hundred pages in length, the book wastes no time in tearing into some of the biggest issues and questions that come with understanding true, biblical forgiveness.
If you have struggled with forgiving someone who has sinned against you, whether it was just yesterday or in years past, this book takes you through the process. Brauns literally unpacks the meaning of "forgiveness", looking first at faulty definitions and misconceptions. He walks his readers through a number of Scripture passages and scenarios to show the depth and weight, and also the misunderstandings, that come when talking about forgiveness.

If you are struggling to forgive, I would recommend this book. If you aren't struggling, I would still recommend it. You may find that, as you read, you have misunderstood forgiveness for most of your life (I know I did). Whether you read it out of desperation or out of curiosity, or simply with a general desire to grow in your understanding and walk with the Lord, you should read this book.
If you decide to pick up the book, my final encouragement would be: go through the questions at the end of each chapter, think about them, and answer them honestly. Whether you are like me and decide to keep a little notebook on hand to write out your answers, or if you simply go through and answer them internally as you read, these questions are very beneficial to really understand and apply the material to your life. Brauns is not writing an easy, self-help book for those who don't understand the process of forgiveness. He is ripping apart all of the misconceptions we have been fed through cultural norms and watered-down religious application. He reveals the weight and cost of true forgiveness, how it should be offered and applied, and the ultimate freedom and joy found when we truly forgive.

Of course we cannot do this apart from the work of the Holy Spirit in our hearts and the hearts of those who have wronged us. Brauns emphasizes this need for the work of God within the situation to restore broken relationships. But the hope offered is that of restoration, finally and fully, in Christ through the work of the Holy Spirit.

Ultimately this book offers hope to those broken and dysfunctional relationships we struggle with in our lives. Because of our sin-laden, broken lives we desperately need to be reminded of that hope; that God works and will work to ultimately bring reconciliation and restoration in our lives.

Favorite Quote: "If you feel yourself wrestling with bitterness, then focus more intently on our glorious God. Savor the providence of God. He is in control of all things. He is perfectly just and cannot be unjust. Bitterness begins when we have been treated unfairly. But if we believe that God will accomplish justice, and if we are simultaneously confident that God is working all things together for our good, if that is our center, than we will beat the stuffings out of bitterness every time."

Chris Brauns, "Unpacking Forgiveness" page 158

It Isn't Always Easy...

It has been 60 days since Jonah and I made vows and entered the covenant of marriage. These two months have flown by, but not for the romantic reasons so many people (myself included) would like to believe.

Marriage isn't easy, because life isn't easy. When Jonah and I made those promises two months ago, we promised to join our lives together. Our lives, already spotted with trouble and heartache, became one.

The struggle that is life hasn't gone away just because we're now living together in covenant. Rather, those struggles have become all the more poignant as we deal with each other's sin on top of the troubles in life. We're also still fighting our own personal sins. We weren't magically sanctified when we said "I do." That process is an ongoing one that doesn't end until we die.

I spoke with someone the other day who had been married for several years already. He made the comment that statistically couples struggle in their first or third years of marriage. Jonah and I can definitely testify to the struggle that we have undergone just within the first two months. Most of these struggles have been external - losing our pastor and trying to find a new one, Jonah switching jobs, trying to schedule time for studies and for time together, trying to balance finances. The list is long, and with each struggle we discover the depths of our sinfulness and selfishness.

God never promised us an easy life together; He did promise a life that would make us holy. And while I look over the past two months, and I still don't understand the purpose of many of the struggles we've faced or are facing, I can trust in the sovereignty of God. I trust that He who has begun a good work in us will see it to completion; that we are traveling the road to holiness, and that we will one day be perfectly renewed in the image of Christ. Each time we face our sin and repent, we become more like Christ. Each time we are forced to trust Him and not ourselves, we become more like Christ. This is the good work God promised: death to our old selves and a life lived in Christ.

I do not know what the next six, or even two, months have in store for us, but I trust in God's faithfulness in the midst of our struggles. "For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. " (Hebrews 12:11)

An Insatiable Curiosity

I cannot read one book at a time. I have tried countless times to be able to do it, and each attempt ends with half a dozen unfinished books. It is quite an intense juggling act to make time for all of the books I'm reading at a given time.

I am sure I am not the only one out there who has struggled with the inability to read books one at a time instead of all at once. I used to wonder if I had an odd form of ADD or some undiscovered mental disorder.

I know now it is none of these. You see, I've spent my entire life asking why? about everything. I struggled with math because the classes I took never explained why and I hated not knowing. I've always loved words and the ability to put them together to form sentences, to communicate emotions and experiences, because with these words you could explain why. I love history because it is the study of why - Why did the Southern states secede from the North? Why did Napoleon try to invade Russia? Why did England declare war on Nazi Germany? Why?

With all of these questions -why- swirling through my head, you can understand my reaction to a bookcase full of books I have yet to read. You can see how I would struggle to read only one book on one subject, when there are two others on (different) subjects/events I've always wanted to study. This ravenous desire to understand the why's of the world are the reason I can't read less than three books at a time.

I'm not satisfied with what I know; I don't know enough. And the best way I learn is by reading. And maybe by the end of my life I'll have read enough to satisfy my insatiable curiosity, but I doubt it. I'll always be reading, I'll always be learning, and I'll always love it. ...And I will always struggle to finish books in a timely manner (because who can when they're reading six at a time?).


Am I the only one who struggles with reading only one book at a time? Do any of you, the few readers I have, pick up multiple books at a time? How long does it usually take you to finish all of them? I am really curious to know. 

My Ántonia and Counseling the Elderly: Book Review #2

What do these two have in common?
Nothing really, except that I read both of them over the past couple of months. In between planning a wedding, getting married, and the crazy-wonderful weeks that followed, I managed to squeeze in time for some reading.

Neither of these books, My Ántonia or Wrinkled but Not Ruined, are very long. I finished My Ántonia within a week. Wrinkled but Not Ruined took nearly a month, simply because I began reading it when I became busy with planning+getting married.

My Ántonia

Personal Rating: Must-Read

Willa Cather is a phenomenal author. Her style is direct but engaging; I will not say "simple" because she weaves complex character growth throughout her stories, but she is very straightforward in her approach so as to fit the time-period of the story. The result is a story that I find gripping in its complexities yet engaging in style. My Ántonia is a collection of  memoirs from one Jim Burden. Sent to live with his grandparents in Nebraska, ten-year-old Jim has his first encounter with Ántonia, a Bohemian girl migrating with her family to the same area. This Bohemian family settles on the farm next to the Burdens, and Jim and Ántonia become friends.
The book follows Jim's growth as an individual in correlation to the growth of his relationship with Ántonia  throughout the years. A bittersweet, beautifully gripping tale, set in the sweeping grasslands of Nebraska, My Ántonia is truly timeless. A book that all should read at least once in their lives, My Ántonia catches the reader's heart from the very first chapter and holds it captive through to the very last page.

Favorite Quote: "As I went back alone over that familiar road, I could almost believe that a boy and girl ran along beside me, as our shadows used to do, laughing and whispering to each other in the grass." 


Wrinkled but Not Ruined: Counsel for the Elderly

Personal Rating: Must-Read for anyone counseling within a church (because most churches have elderly people in attendance at some point).

Jay Adams is a great resource for anyone preparing to counsel others biblically. With books titled Competent to Counsel and The Christian Counselor's Manual, it is pretty obvious what his goal in writing these books is. Wrinkled but Not Ruined is a small book, a little over 100 pages, that is written specifically for those pastors and congregants who are in regular contact with the aged. My personal interest in this book started when I began attending a Bible Study at one of the local nursing homes. My heart has been burdened lately with bringing the Gospel hope to the elderly as they struggle in the last years of their lives. I really appreciated Adams' approach in Wrinkled but Not Ruined  because he applies the Gospel very directly to the different problems faced by the aged. Instead of giving them an easy out, he emphasizes the need for the elderly Christian to still bear fruit in his old age. In every age we must pursue this, Adams says, but we don't get a break once we hit 60. There is still a race to be finished, work to be done; the Gospel still must go forth. And God calls every Christian to spread the Gospel, regardless of age.

I really appreciate the way Adams delves into the different struggles faced by the elderly. As someone not quite a quarter of a century old, I do not face the same physical and mental struggles they do. I have yet to watch most of my friends and family pass away, as many of the elderly do. I have not struggled with significant physical impairments or mental deterioration. This book not only gave me the tools to bring the Gospel into these people's lives, it gave me a burning desire to do so. Where once it was a thought in passing, now these are the people I want to shape my counseling ministry around.


I hope you enjoyed these reviews. I have six more books to write reviews about in the next five months, but if there are books you want me to read/review, please comment and let me know what they are. I am always looking for new reading and blogging material. 

My First "Official" 2017 Book Review

As some of you may remember, one of the three goals I set for myself for this year was to read ten books. The list can be found here.

I have completed two of the ten books as of right now. With each book or books I finish, I'd like to share a little bit of what I thought of each of them and whether or not I think you should have them on your shelf.


Book 1: Repentance by C John Miller (theology/counseling)

If you do not have this book on your shelf, you need it. I have spent all of my life in the Church, and I have heard many sermons and classes on repentance. I've read systematic theology texts about it. And yet in reading this book I found my eyes opened to a newer, deeper understanding of repentance. I've realized all the more the absolute dependence I must have on Christ for my righteousness, and that such a dependance is the model for repentance.
It is a very short read; you could easily read it in one sitting. It won't take up too much of your time, and it is very much worth every minute.

Favorite Quote: "What we must see is that God never promised to transform us into super-Christians who would never again sin and never again need to repent. He never promised anybody strength apart from continued dependence upon Himself."


Book 2: Great Expectations  by Charles Dickens (British literature)

This book gets a less-than-enthusiastic review. Don't get me wrong: Dickens has a way of embedding subtle humor into his works, even when they're written in first-person, and this work is no different. In fact, that subtle humor is what helped me persevere to the end (that and I said I'd read it so I did). The first two-thirds of the book are painful, because the main character, Pip, decides to spend a good deal of his younger life being a jerk. He feels remorse, but not really. He feels remorse when he cuts off the only father-figure in his life, Joe... but not really. He is sorry when he jilts Biddy, the only girl who truly cares about him... but not really. He spends the first three hundred pages pining for Estelle, who uses him horribly and really doesn't care how hurt he became in the process.
As a main character Pip makes a pathetic protagonist at best.Through some very painful and humbling circumstances he finally learns just how foolish and arrogant he's behaved. Pip finds perhaps some redemption by the end of the story, without the help of his embittered love, Estelle. Her ending remains ambiguous, and I admire Dickens for leaving it so (even though he was forced to write a second, slightly happier ending for the newspaper). This work left me with no less admiration for Dickens as an author, particularly after the last hundred pages. There was mysteries solved and reconciliation all around, in true Dickensian spirit, and an appropriate number of characters died of illness or murder.
While I am quite happy I finished it, I would not give this book the same raving review I gave the first. If you feel a deficit in the British-lit department, and Little Dorrit or A Tale of Two Cities aren't readily available, you might try your hand at this book. Perhaps you'll find it a touch more enjoyable than I.

Five Things I Didn't Know I Needed To Know

 I've had a rough couple of months. There has been a lot of discouragement and a lot of Sad mixed in with the Happy. I think those of us who are engaged to be married assume there is an expectation from those around us, that we are to be wildly excited about the whole affair all the time and eager to talk about it. And we try our hardest to live up to those assumed expectations without really finding out whether they are real or not.

I have discovered, especially in the recent months, that there are things we encounter on our journey to marriage (not "through", that hasn't happened yet) we didn't necessarily expect or prepare for when they came. I have had sisters marry before me, and so I was not altogether unfamiliar with these encounters; I've always just assumed they were exaggerated or made-up. Well, joke's on me, they're not, and my older sisters can have a good laugh at my expense because they were right.

Here are five things that I've learned on my own little journey to matrimony that I hope I don't forget:

1. It can be lonely. 
My sisters would talk about this loneliness when they were engaged. I always felt a little bit hurt when they did because my immediate thought was, "But I'm sitting right here!" 
Well, here's news for you, self: you sitting there doesn't make it less lonely for them. And I'm learning this for myself: no matter how many offers to help I get, no matter how many girl-dates I squeeze in, and no matter how much time I spend with my fiancé, I still feel intensely lonely quite a bit of the time. I'm busy, I've got half a dozen things to do, and most of them I either have to or want to do myself. Because of this I feel wretchedly isolated quite a bit of the time. Suddenly my weekends are full of some wedding detail or another, or showers, or a desperate trip to get away from all of the hubbub. My life is suddenly not my own... but not quite. I'm feeling quite a bit of the isolation of a busy schedule and having to prioritize the wedding over doing what I want, but without the same level of companionship that marriage would have. It's like I'm stuck in a weird limbo, where I now cannot spend much time with friends, but I also cannot spend much time with my fiancé. The result? Loneliness.


2. Sleep becomes expendable. 
No, this is not health advice. I would never recommend anyone to take this as advice. It is a reality for me. I don't sleep well. I just don't. Because I have to stay up late and work on random, sometimes petty, details. Because I have horrific nightmares about the wedding going wrong. Because when I am stressed I don't sleep. And sometimes you have to get up really really early to make sure things get done in a timely manner.
We all process stress differently, and this simply is the way I process it.


3. You don't need to try so hard.
I've been tied up in knots for a few weeks now, trying to figure out a very specific detail about a very specific part about some very specific decorations. I was looking at forking over quite a chunk of money to get what I needed. And then I had coffee with a friend, and I was chattering away about the decorations and what I wanted to do. She had exactly what I was looking for.
I had thought long and hard, trolled Pinterest, lost (only a little) sleep over figuring this out; I was anticipating a lot of work on my part to pull it off. And then within the space of five minutes of conversation, I had just what I was looking for. Our best efforts only serve us so much; most of the time it is better (and healthier!) to trust God. Where it takes you days to figure out, He takes five minutes.

4. You won't always agree with your fiancé. 
We've had a lot of arguments/discussions since we've started this process. We've both had our eyes opened to the differences in how we were raised, our ideals, our tastes, etc. And I know that when we are married these differences will be all the more stark.
Unity, though, does not mean same-ness. We do not have to agree on everything, but we must learn how to talk about those (small) differences respectfully and learn to appreciate them in the other person. I have grown in so many ways through knowing Jonah, and a big part of that is because of how different he is from me.
There will always be arguments and differences, but by God's grace we are learning to repent, seek each other's forgiveness, and learn to love each other in the midst of the differences. For myself, I am also learning to put to death my own stubborn pride and give up those things that aren't important. If his decorating style is different from mine, I can learn to compromise; it does not have to be my way all of the time. And many times he hasn't been all that enthusiastic about what I've chosen, but because he loves me he allows me to make the decision.
T
o love, appreciate, repent, grant forgiveness, and die to myself - these are things I am learning to do even now, and I know will continue to learn in marriage.

5. It's Scary, and That's Normal. 
My life is about to completely change. While I'm really excited about it, there is a big part of me that is absolutely terrified. Terrified of my own inadequacy, terrified of the Unknown that lies ahead, terrified because I'm still learning to trust God with my life.
This kind of transition should scare me, but the fear cannot cripple me. Instead, it should drive me to a deeper reliance upon God. As I am learning to trust Him, I am learning to trust Jonah as well. But it is learned; I can't just automatically, artificially produce trust. It takes repeated, faithful returning to the Source of all comfort and security: Jesus. Some people, I know, get to this place of trust a lot quicker than others. I'm a slow learner, and I don't easily trust. For me it has been a years' long process; since Jonah and I first began our relationship. The stakes are higher now, and the learning curve is steeper. It is still a struggle, but God is faithful even with a slow learner like myself. He has graciously answered my fears over the past few months. There are still many things that make me anxious, but I trust that in His time He will answer these as well.

When They Don't Remember

Wednesday is the first time in three years that I haven't received a barrage of texts from people expressing their sympathy and telling me they're praying for us.
You see, Wednesday was my deceased brother's birthday. It would have been his 21st. He passed away over three years ago, and the rest of life has moved on.
Yet it hasn't. Not for those of us who remember him every single birthday and every single death-day. And each year the hollowness is the same, the ache is the same, the longing to see him and celebrate with him is the same. Those things don't change for the family and close friends of those who die. They remember, even when the rest of the world has moved on.

I'm not writing this post to condemn or criticize anyone; that would be silly and pointless as he was not their brother or son and they have no obligation to remember his life. For some of them, they never met him, and for others he only briefly shared their lives.
Instead, I'm writing this post to encourage all of those who have lost loved ones and who still feel the pain and the hurt and the emptiness five, ten, or fifty years later; these feelings aren't wrong. You do not need to "forget" or "move on" or "get over" these feelings, even when the rest of your life has.

I wrestled with understanding that fact this year. My life since that heartrending first birthday without him has changed so much. Yet the feelings and the pain came back, same as before, and they didn't seem to fit with the rest of my life. My life now is full of movement, sometimes chaos, and excitement. I'm looking forward to a pretty massive but exciting change in my life. I've spent countless hours planning and preparing for this change - marriage.
And then Wednesday morning came, and in the midst of the energy and movement there was a stillness. That stillness was Death revisited. That stillness was the reminder that there would be no celebration for us again this year. I realized there would be no celebration for us for many years to come. That stillness would always be there. And even though it was jarring and abrupt and difficult, I realized that my instinct to suppress and hide those emotions was wrong. We should feel pain on days such as these; we should feel loss.

But we should not despair. You see, the reason my family still mourns my brother's birthday and his death-day isn't because we want him here with us. He is finally and fully with Jesus, and there is no greater celebration for him than that. We mourn because we can't be there with him. We sit around the table on his birthday and weep because we are not with him. We mourn because we are in exile and we long to be home with him.

And this is why we do not "move on" or "get over" his loss. Our lives have, and on most days out of the year that is what you and the rest of the world will see. But on two days of the year particularly, and sometimes daily throughout the year, we revisit the loss and the pain. We let ourselves feel, because it reminds us that we are strangers and sojourners in this land. This is not our home; our home is with Christ.

My encouragement for all of those who find themselves in the same place as myself is this: embrace the loss, even though it feels strange and foreign to do so. Forget what the rest of your life and the world is telling you; the world cannot understand your grief because the world does not understand your claim in Christ. In fact, the world rejects it. But don't allow the world's ignorance to dictate your grief.
And I would say, mourn. Not as those without hope, but as those who are strangers and foreigners in this world. Mourn because you cannot celebrate with your loved one this year. But hope, because you have the guarantee that you will one day be able to rejoice together with Jesus and the saints in heaven. In that promise lies both your reason to mourn and your reason to hope. Embrace both, forget what the rest of the world and your life says, and look forward to the day when once again you will finally and fully be able to celebrate. 

A Walk In the Neighborhood: Lessons From Nick

In the past two weeks I have noticed a considerable increase in my personal stress. I am not sure if this stress comes from the sudden realization that I have roughly four months to finish all of the planning for the wedding (funny how one day can stress you out for months in advance), or if it is the pressure of training for yet another half-marathon that is coming up in a month and a half, or if it is the exhaustion that comes from a poor diet and poor time-management, or if it is because I have done so very little work on my exams, or...

Nick on a mission.

You get the idea: I'm stressed. And my body does not handle stress well. I've noticed a physical difference - my system has been irritated pretty much all the time, and so my eating schedule is usually off. I've also noticed an emotional and mental difference, in that the number of weird/horrifying dreams I have in a given week has gone from a couple of nights to every night. I also cry a lot more easily than I used to. 

My temporary solution? Take an adorable dog on a walk at least once a week.

No, I'm serious - if you ever find yourself frazzled by life, make friends (unless you already have one) with someone who has a cute dog and ask if you can take said dog on walks. Let me tell you, it is one of the best ways to unwind and focus on something not stress-related. You can think and pray more clearly, and, if you need to, discuss your problems with the dog. He won't answer back, and the entire neighborhood may think you're nuts, but at least you're talking through your issues. 

I stumbled upon this temporary stress-relief last week, when my friend went out of town for the day and asked me to walk his dog, "Nick", for him while he was away. I find Nick absolutely adorable, and so I agreed. I'd had a pretty packed day, with studying, wedding-planning, etc. It was late in the afternoon before I took him out. It was a gorgeous day, and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. 

"Something smells
 suspicious..."

As we walked, I noticed something about Nick that reminded me of my own walk with the Lord in life. He would frequently stop to smell something on the side of the road, often without giving me notice (I had to be careful not to trip over him!). I'd have to pull on his leash to get him to keep moving forward. Nick also would often strain at the leash to go back instead of going forward, because he wanted to sniff out whatever it was that he had left behind; there was no thought or desire to discover what lay ahead.

And I thought to myself: How many times do I strain and tug and fight against the path God is leading me down? How often do I want to run back to what is familiar, and comfortable, and "safe", because I don't want to think about what lies ahead? 

Yet how many times God responds in compassion and mercy, gently leading, sometimes driving, me forward through the path of sanctification. When I get hung up on a curbside, distracted by whatever immediate chaos has cropped up in my life, He comes alongside and leads me through it.

At one point Nick and I came to an intersection. Across the street a pack of dogs were barking and snarling, faces smashed against the chain-link fence. Nick shied away, unnerved by their hostility. The intersection was a busy one, and quite a few cars drove by, further disorienting the poor pup. He strained first one way and then the other, head wagging from side to side, unsure of what he should do. I knelt down and put my arm around his head, talking to him quietly. He calmed enough to wait until the cars had all gone by and it was clear for us to cross the street. We made a wide berth around the still-snarling dogs and continued on our way. 

And I thought: What a perfect illustration of my life now! I am so easily frightened and discombobulated by the urgent demands of my life. I get so easily distracted and disoriented, and I strain first in one direction and then in the other. Yet how often, in those moments of confusion and fear, does God come alongside and put His arms around me and calm my fears! When I flail and gasp and strain to run from the demands and the stress and the pain of this life, He kneels down beside me and speaks comfort into my life, through His Word, through His people, and sometimes through the chaos itself. 

His "I smell people!" face

I'm busy and often overwhelmed by all that needs to be done in a week. But I am learning not to be anxious or stressed by the busy-ness. Not because I'm so good at handling all of the demands; I am really terrible at it most of the time. But I serve an all-powerful, all-knowing God who understands my weakness and my need; who, in his infinite love and wisdom, comes alongside me, guides me, and gives me grace to make it through the day.

Broken Glass and Shattered Ideals

As most people are (hopefully) aware, I am getting married in six months. While some might picture this time as that of flowers and daydreams and exciting plans (I'm afraid they've never been engaged),  this is not the total of engagement. Engagement is mostly a whole lot of work, with some of this excitement sprinkled in. Many do not realize until they are in the middle of an engagement just how much work it is. And I'm not even talking about planning the wedding.

That is work too, but the real work begins when you sit down for your first session of marriage counseling. 

Oh yes, getting married (usually) means marriage counseling of some kind. And inevitably, slowly sometimes, you begin to realize how differently the two of you communicate; how your tastes differ on more things than you'd like to admit; how quickly your own sin can sabotage the relationship. 

It didn't take me until marriage counseling to realize that my fiancé and I struggle to communicate. But it did take me until then to realize that these struggles, faults, weaknesses, and failures stop being personal and become shared. 

Let me illustrate with a personal narrative: 

My fiancé recently moved in with a couple of his friends. We'd discussed briefly the "purge" that would have to take place when we smashed both of our households into one (a whole other blog post, that is). He subsequently packed a box of (mostly) breakable things but neglected to secure it properly. It would not have been so catastrophic if he'd informed me of the neglect, but he did not. This box was then transferred to the back seat of my car to be moved into my apartment as soon as I finished my workday. 

Ten hours later, I am sta

ring at a pile of broken glass in the apartment parking lot. He is at work. I cannot call him and ask him to help me clean the mess up; he is not available to do that. I am left with a mess that I am not directly at fault for, yet I am left to clean it up. 

And much of life is, and will be like this, for the both of us. You see, when I promised to marry him I promised that I would share in his weakness and burdens. Sometimes that means accidentally breaking all of his dishes. And sometimes that means cleaning up a mess left behind because of his negligence. Both are sanctifying, and so both are necessary at times. 

It would be nice for me to take the moral high ground in this instance and look at only his faults. But there are two sinful, weak people in this relationship, both sinning daily and both daily striving to be more like Christ. His weaknesses may be different from mine, but mine are no less shared. 

This is the hard work of engagement and the hard work of marriage. It is easy to share in the other person's strengths and joys; it is difficult to share in their weakness and sin. But God calls us to do no less. 

The man I am going to marry isn't perfect; neither am I. But we have a Savior who is infinitely perfect, infinitely wise, infinitely good. As we grow closer to one another we become painfully aware of our own sinfulness as well as that of the other person. Suddenly our sinfulness is not our own; suddenly there is another person who is just as intimately affected by it as we are. Yet such a painful realization drives us, not apart, but closer to each other as we strive to become more like Christ. 

My 3 Goals for 2017

The start of a new year has always been seen as an opportunity to turn over a new leaf, start fresh, try new things, and set higher standards for oneself. In the spirit of this New Year, I am going to attempt to do something I have never done before. I am going to publicly set goals. I’ve done it privately, with some results and some failures. This year I thought I would let others know so that I would have some accountability in the matter. Also, encouragement is a great motivator, and (I hope) there will be some of that as well. 

No… Really, I want you to ask in three months how my goals are coming along. Otherwise, when the end of the year rolls around, I will have started all of them, finished none of them, and come up with justification for my disorganized mess. This is why I need accountability. 

Goal 1: Read 10 books in 2017.

I’ve picked books out before to read throughout the year, but never very intentionally. Usually my reading list involved a stack of books on my bedside table that I systematically worked through throughout the year. The only problem with this method is that I would get distracted by other things that I wanted to read along the way, and these I would add to my “finished” pile (yes, I had a pile to read and a pile that I’d finished - visual motivation is quite effective). At the end of the year my “finished” pile was usually greater than my “to read” pile, but the “to read” pile was seldom completed.

This year I’m going to be more systematic about it. I’ve picked out at least one book from several different genres and eras, each pertaining to my interests and/or needs in some way. Without further ceremony, here is my list:

Great Expectations by Charles Dickens (British literature)

The Idiot by Fyodor Dostoevsky (Russian literature)

My Antonia by Willa Cather (American literature)

Calvin’s Commentary on 1&2 Corinthians (theology)

Wrinkled but Not Ruined by Jay Adams (counseling)

Unpacking Forgiveness by Chris Brauns (counseling)

Repentance by C. John Miller (theology/counseling)

The Age of Napoleon by Will and Ariel Durant (history - thanks, Tolstoy)

A Mind of Your Own by Kelly Brogan (health and wellness)

On Prayer and the Contemplative Life by Thomas Aquinas (philosophy)

Goal 2: Run at least 2 half-marathons in 2017. My running goals for this year reflect the goals I’ve made and met this past year. 2016 marked my first 10K and my first half-marathon. My goal for 2017 is to run two half-marathons, one in the Spring and one in the Fall. I haven’t yet worked up the courage or stamina to run a full marathon; I am not sure if I ever will. But God was faithful in my training for the half, and I know He will be faithful this year as I continue to run and train. 

Goal 3: Finish my exams and application in 2017. At the beginning of 2016 I started working more intentionally on my certification process through the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors. I still have quite a ways before I am even close to finishing. My goal for 2017 is to completely finish the exams they’ve given me. These are open-book, essay-style exams that exhaustively cover biblical theology and it's practical application in counseling. I know it is a tall order, and I don’t know if I will have the time or the stamina to finish in the time I’ve given myself, but again I trust in God’s faithfulness, knowing that He will work as He wills through these goals.

Final thoughts: I’m also planning a wedding in 2017 (EEP!). Part of this process has taught me just how much I need to learn to trust God and to quietly submit to His will and timing. The planning process thus far has not gone completely as I would have liked, and I know it won’t. I’m learning that keeping a gracious and quiet spirit in these instances is really difficult (part of the sanctification process, I know…). Even though I’m quite rubbish at it, my prayer and striving for 2017 is to cultivate that characteristic, trusting that God will work in and through me. Because, as pretty much everyone has told me, I will need both for the even bigger adventure called Marriage that comes after the wedding. 

My greater prayer for 2017 is that God would give me a spirit of mindfulness, both towards others as well as towards myself. It is easier for me to see the needs of others; more difficult for me to act upon seeing those, and even more difficult for me to see and act for my own needs in order to meet the needs of others. My prayer for this year is that I will have (and use!) the time to balance both in such a way that I am able to effectively love others and glorify God all the more.